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Recently, I got really mad at this person at work. So mad, I was unable to think clearly. I was hitting a wall in interactions, and workplace engagements were going nowhere. I was about to escalate to my boss and this other person’s boss, when I (thankfully) paused, and asked, “What is the problem here?”

I realized two issues were at the heart of the communication breakdown:

• I was being asked to fit into the other person’s framework. There was no consideration given to my situation. If my problems did not fit into the solutions and toolkit available with this person, everything I said was rejected or ridiculed.
• It was never clear what this other person was thinking. Disagreements sounded like insults, a non-committal remark sounded like an agreement or a promise (with no follow thru forthcoming). There was no setting of expectations, boundaries, and scope of the engagement.

I realized I was upset because I was not getting the service levels that I had taken for granted because I felt it was “usual and customary” and not getting the service levels was a serious breach of trust and the behavior showed a total lack of respect and etiquette.

The two insights above were calming. Regardless of wounds to my ego and pride, my boss and this person’s boss will ask, “What needs to be done now?”

The next step is thus to frame, and continue to re-frame the problem to show an impact to the business. If there is no impact, or if there is no agreement of the impact, then drop it. Crusades are to be reserved only for the rarest of occasions, and the most important problems.

This approach helps me make my point and foster rational decision making, not to mention, a serious upgrade to my communication skills and ability to present a business case. I don’t need to worry about managing the performance or incompetence of this person, such people tend to go down in flames on their own accord. Trying to accelerate their demise will only lead to building a dysfunctional culture in the workplace.